✈ Travel Security – A Modest Proposal

Jetting awayI have been travelling this week on Europe’s low-cost airlines, and have realised that there is only one way to make air travel secure, and that is to take security seriously and prioritise it above all other factors. We should learn from the most secure flights to date – operated by the US military for select trips to the Caribbean.

In future, all passengers aboard planes must:

  • Wear secured headphones for safety education and approved entertainment throughout flights, so that passengers cannot communicate with each other for co-ordinated attacks. It’s possible Apple or Sony might sponsor these, reducing costs. This measure will also reduce incidents of unlicensed use of music, especially as people cross market boundaries, so maybe the RIAA will support this.
  • Travel blindfolded. This prevents any awareness of location or time and ensures no targetted use of devices. This additionally defeats attempts to benefit from unlicensed movies, so MPAA sponsorship for the blindfolds is possible.
  • Travel naked. This reduces opportunities for concealment of devices, although security staff will still need to use powerful scanners pre-boarding.
  • Undergo sensory disorientation pre-travel, so that passengers do not know where they are seated or what the time is. This could be combined with the blindfolds and headsets.
  • Travel in limb restraints fastened to the seat. In addition to protecting against unexpected turbulence, this will prevent any attempt to operate devices. Airlines could consider tube-feeding so they don’t lose revenue from in-flight paid catering.
  • Require a pre-flight “hotel night” where they spend 12 hours before boarding naked in solitary confinement under observation. This will eliminate the possibility of devices being ingested. Boarding will only be permitted with evidence of defecation.
  • Flights must operate to unpublished departure and arrival schedules using undocumented routes. This has the added benefit that flights can no longer be late.
  • Business class passengers might benefit from loin-cloths during boarding and in-flight sedation so they are less impacted by security measures. They can also purchase use of video goggles instead of blindfolds.
  • First class passengers benefit from anesthesia and are boarded on stretchers. Choice of approved drugs available pre-boarding.

There are huge cost-savings achievable for the airlines here, as well as potential new revenue opportunities and sponsorships such as those indicated. The pre-flight “hotel night” will naturally be charged extra, the need for in-flight entertainment systems is eliminated since no-one can see, hear or operate them, on-board toilets and galleys can be removed and replaced with extra seating and on top of all this far fewer staff are needed and training can be reduced.

RyanAir appears to be field-testing some of these ideas already. All for your safety, comfort and convenience, of course. Relax, sit back and enjoy the flight!

4 Responses

  1. Great ideas, Simon, but you missed one other advantage. When all the passengers are physically restrained and connected by tubes as you describe, even seats will no longer be necessary. Airlines can adopt a true “rack ’em and stack ’em” approach, potentially tripling or quadrupling the number of passengers per flight.

  2. In the future, we will fly travel securely in small coffins filled with an oxygen and sedative-rich fluid. This packaging will offer protection against jostling on the baggage belt – and incidentally offer protection for other passengers in case one passenger simply *is* an explosive. “Container-based shipping for people” will revolutionize the travel industry, reducing cost, improving security and increasing airplane capacity.

    Stories of business travelers awakening in surprise in Sofia, Bulgaria instead of San Francisco because their tags were mislabeled SOF instead of SFO will be considered apocryphal by the dwindling mainstream media.

    As all revolutions do, this one will have winners and losers. In the summer of 2021, a flight inbound for Chicago will be blown up by disgruntled former employees of a major manufacturer of little packets of cardboard pretzels.

    In 2030, the last of the passenger airlines be acquired by DHL, and we will simply ship ourselves wherever we want to go. Minor airports will be repurposed as low-cost housing, with the exceptions of Heathrow and Charles De Gaulle, which will be bought by Disney and operated as retro amusement parks in which visitors can experience simulated travel as their grandparents did, and can walk for miles accomplishing nothing, and experience rudeness and foul smells for a small entrance fee, respectively.

  3. […] ✈ Travel Security – A Modest Proposal In future, all passengers aboard planes must: […]

  4. A further (more serious) thought: can you imagine the uproar if, no *when*, human teleportation (a la Star Trek) becomes a reality?

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